After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
