I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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