i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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