Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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