he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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