guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
