Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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