Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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