I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
