My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
