GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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