my soul wont recognize me after tonight
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.