you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
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We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
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She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.