jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
