i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Dating After Heartbreak
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.