meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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