If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
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I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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