my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
