Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
