Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
