The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
