My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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