when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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