sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
