I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
