She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
