I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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