I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
