last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
