the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
