I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
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You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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