My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
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Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.