You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?