I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.