Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My feet surprised me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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