One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh