I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
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I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.