my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched