I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.