Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.