you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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