Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
