A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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