The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
