I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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