it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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