babies were throwing up all over the place
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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