i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
