I think my vagina is haunted
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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