You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
