i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
being pregnant is like rehab
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
