Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
