Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
