Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
