my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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