Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
