I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
