I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So much Jack, so little girl.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
