I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
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he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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