i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
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He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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