I'm lost and stupid without you.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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