Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
