I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
