Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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