I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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