i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
