why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
