i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
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So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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