I puked a lego.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
