wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
