Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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